Which transition was the hardest?

Having 4 kids, I get asked this question a lot.  Mostly by moms who are expecting their second child.  It’s usually during this time that we (moms) start to think about what life is going to be like juggling more than one.  We knew we wanted a couple kids but now that it is happening we begin to panic.  What do we do with the first one while we’re feeding, changing diapers, how will we EVER take two children to Target?!?! (The first time I did this I seriously felt like I had conquered the world btw).  I had these same emotions when I was pregnant with my second…so I spent a few months of my pregnancy conducting some research.  I’m talking real measurable data.  Just kidding.  Who has the time or brain capacity for that when they are pregnant?  I did make it a point to ask every mom/dad/grandparent I spoke with this same question…which transition was hardest?  One to two, two to three, three to four?  I didn’t meet very many people who had more than four.  Although I did buy a used Phil&Teds stroller from a mom of 7 off craigslist and I asked her this question too (I also knew Phil&Teds make the best strollers if a mom of 7 used one).  When I said every person I met….I mean every person I met.  In line at Starbucks, our server at a restaurant, the nurse at my OB’s office.  People love to chat with pregnant women and if you were going to start a conversation with me I was going to include you in my poll.  I really should have made this formal and kept track of everyone’s responses.  Maybe it could have been published in a medical journal.  I must have asked over a hundred people. 

            Here were some popular responses.  Most people (who I spoke with in the DC/Metro area) said that the transition from one to two was the hardest.  They said figuring out how to juggle more than one was the most challenging regardless of the age difference.  Several people also said that once they were outnumbered it was all the same.  Some mentioned that it was hardest going from one to two if the gender wasn’t the same (boy then a girl or girl then a boy).  While I truly believe that girls are very different from boys…even as babies…I am not sure if there is any scientific reason for this to sentiment to be true.  Based on all this “data” I really braced myself for having two children.  I thought it was going to be a nightmare and I did my best to prepare myself for pure chaos.  You know what?  It wasn’t that bad.  My second (Kai) was actually the easiest baby on the planet.  Ask some of my friends who remember him as a baby and they’ll agree.  He slept 12 hours straight one week home from the hospital.  I’ll never forget waking up panicked in my milk-soaked nursing tank. 

            So now that I have 4 children (exactly two years between the first three and four years between the third and fourth…boy, boy, girl, girl) I will give you my very unpopular and unique opinion.  I will tell you what I would say to the pregnant mom at the playground exhaustedly watching her three year old burn off some energy.  I don’t think the hardest transition is one to two, or two to three, or three to four.  I don’t think life gets exponentially harder with each child (more expensive yes…but harder no).  And I can feel my husband clenching up and nodding in disagreement as I type this.  I think that the hardest transition is no kids to kids.  Period.  I think your life is completely uprooted…everything you thought you knew about babies/children/parenthood goes out the window when you find yourself navigating those first few months/years as parents.  You can no longer be selfish (not even a little).  You have to check with someone else and on someone else before you can take a quick nap, meet a friend for lunch, or go for a run.  All that remains true whether you have one kid or ten.  I think my husband and I went from being the indignant people on the plane rolling our eyes at the parent’s of the crying baby to being the parents of the crying baby.  I think we used to go to restaurants at 7:30 for dinner and now we go at 5:00.  I think we went from hanging out at the adult only pools to being banished from them.  Places/activities/homes are either kid-friendly or they’re not.  I sit near the play area at Chic-fil-a if I am there with one kid or four.  I know most of the world would disagree and that is okay.  I just believe that once I changed my life to make room for one child…adding a few more didn’t change much.  Don’t let any transition scare you…and don’t look at the mom of 5 kids and think she must have some sort of super power you don’t have because you have 2.  It’s all hard. But wonderful.